Saturday, October 15, 2016

I’m C. Poly & I am Polyamorous

I always have been, but being raised in the bible belt, I didn’t realize it until I was able to secretly explore on my own, in private, without judgment. I actually came across the term for what I have always felt one night in a “mommy group.” From a young age, I’ve always wondered why if someone loves two people, they don’t just talk to both of the people they have feelings for and date them both. I mean, it makes sense. But living in such close minded areas, I was taught that was wrong and bad - it could never work. But then I met this woman who casually mentioned her husband and her boyfriend. It blew my mind! I talked with this woman for weeks and weeks, I did research until my head hurt. I had found a place where my way of thinking was accepted. The next step was to tell my husband, who we will refer to as A. Which actually turned out very well. A has always questioned monogamy and had thoughts similar to mine. This was almost 5 years ago. We talked about it for two whole years before we decided to act on it. The rest... is another story... and much more personal. Anyway, let me clear up some stigma and some common questions.

Polyamory is not what Hollywood would have you believe. Actually, it’s probably not what you think it is at all!

Polyamory is not polygamy. Polygamy is often associated with a religion and completely heterosexual. I am bisexual and I have told you my thoughts on religion. It’s not that I am against having multiple spouses, it’s that I don’t like the term polygamy and it is not interchangeable with polyamory.

Polyamory is not swinging. While swinging does fall under the umbrella term of 'polyamory,' swinging does not define all of the polyamory community. Think of it like this: heterosexual falls under the umbrella term 'sexuality' but not everyone who identifies with a sexuality is heterosexual.

Polyamory (poly) is not cheating and does not mean that I am unhappy with PolyHubby! I am actually very happy with PolyHubby and being poly has made our relationship stronger and built a stronger bond between the two of us. It’s not that I am unhappy or insatiable, it is simply that I fall in love easily and wish to share that feeling!

Polyamory is not wild sex parties. Like I said before, polyamory is just an umbrella term for swinging and A and I aren’t looking for threesomes or orgies. For us, poly is being able to and wanting to love more than one partner. It’s the acknowledgment that I, as an individual, do not feel complete with merely one romantic partner. Furthermore, we are not sexual predators looking to convert anyone and everyone to poly. I get it, you aren’t into it, that’s fine. Just because I love easier than you do, does not mean that I want to sleep with everyone I talk to.

Yes, jealousy and insecurity are issues, but there are ways to cope with them, and these feelings are one of the things that has made mine and PolyHubby’s relationship so much stronger! It’s called Compersion- "the positive feelings one gets when a lover is enjoying another relationship. Sometimes called the opposite or flip side of jealousy." If PolyHubby starts to feel jealous while I am out on a date, he will do something that he thinks would make me happy, like cleaning the house. This helps him to channel the energy into something positive, and I use this technique as well.

Some people honestly believe that it cannot work, that a poly relationship cannot be long-term or lifelong. But I have met many people who are poly and have been with one partner for 7 years, another for 10, and another for just 5 months, and all three relationships are going strong. I haven’t had one last longer than 6 months, but I know with the right person/people and a little creativity, PolyHubby and I and whoever my other partner is and whoever PolyHubby's other partner is and all their partners can figure out how to make it last a lifetime.

Poly isn’t for everyone. Some people cannot wrap their head around it, no matter how much information they read on it. Some people disagree with it because of their beliefs. Some people can’t handle the jealousy or the amount of communication and trust that is needed to make poly work. That is ok. Polyamory is not for everyone, just like heterosexuality isn't for everyone.

You don’t have to agree with the way I am to love and accept me. But please do realize that this is not a “choice” for me, I have always been this way. It’s not “swinging,” it’s not me being "twisted" or having a disease of the mind, I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I am happy this way, and there are millions upon millions of other people out there who are just like me.

If you want to read more to better understand where I am coming from and how I feel, I have included some wonderful resources below.

More than Two is an entire website is amazing and loaded with great info. And The Reluctant Femme has a great blog post goes into a little more depth than what I have on common questions.

And of course, Tumblr is a great place to find resources and other people who are like me. Finally, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them below. I love answering questions.

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