Monday, October 17, 2016

A Polyamorous Interview with Me, C. Poly

A Little About Me
I am a 24-year-old mother of two, wife, girlfriend, student, feminist, polyamorous, nerd. I enjoy Doctor Who, Supernatural, RPGs/MMOs, writing, reading, Disney movies, and music. My favorite bands/musical artists are Panic at the Disco, Hozier, Melanie Martinez, Maroon 5, Fall Out Boy, and Twenty One Pilots.

What are some myths about polyamory that you would like to address?
The biggest one that comes to mind, thanks to a good friend of mine, is that it is always like sister wives. It is not. Every relationship has it's own dynamic. While some polyamorous folk are only okay with bringing one gender into their relationship, that is not how my dynamic works. And it is not how all polyamorous relationships are set up. I want to reiterate, every relationship has it's own dynamic.

How long have you been polyamorous? How long have you been practicing polyamory?
I always have been, but being raised in the bible belt, I didn’t realize it until I was able to secretly explore on my own, in private, without judgment. I actually came across the term for what I have always felt one night in a “mommy group.” From a young age, I’ve always wondered why if someone loves two people, they don’t just talk to both of the people they have feelings for, and date them both. I mean, it makes sense. But living in such close minded areas, I was taught that was wrong and bad - it could never work. But then I met this woman who casually mentioned her husband and her boyfriend. It blew my mind! I talked with this woman for weeks and weeks, I did research until my head hurt. I had found a place where my way of thinking was accepted. The next step, was to tell Alex. Which actually turned out very well. Alex has always questioned monogamy and had thoughts similar to mine. This was four years ago. We talked about it for two whole years before we decided to act on it.

What does your relationship dynamic look like? What sort of hard rules do you have in place?
Currently, there is me, my husband, then my boyfriend, and the girl my husband is talking to, a girl I am talking to, and my best friend/platonic lover. I believe it is referred to as a 'poly-cule.' The boyfriend has not met my husband and I have not met the girl my husband is talking to. Although, we have all chatted via text messages and such. I go to my boyfriend's place for visits, and the girl my husband is talking to comes to the town where my husband and I live for dates.

What aspect of polyamory do you excel at? What aspects do you struggle with?
I am really good at communication. I am also really bad at communication. I communicate when I know that it will help my relationship(s). But if it is something that scares me, I tend to bottle it up, and that can lead to terrible emotional outbursts. I am also bad at considering how my actions affect the group. I tend to make decisions based on my wants or needs and that leads to some upset and need for long talks.

How do you deal with jealousy?
Yes, jealousy and insecurity are issues, just like they are present and issues in monogamous relationships. There are ways to cope with them. Jealousy and insecurity are just emotions, like anger and happiness. Learning coping mechanisms to handle these issues will help you in not only relationships but in all aspects of your life. There is another feeling associated with jealousy and it’s called Compersion- "the positive feelings one gets when a lover is enjoying another relationship. Sometimes called the opposite or flip side of jealousy." In short, you don't avoid it, you talk about it, you deal with it.

Do you ever feel like they would rather be with the other person instead of you? Do you ever wonder if they care about the other person more? How do you handle that feeling?
Sometimes, but this goes back to communication and how you handle jealousy.

What happens when one partner doesn't get along with the other?
We haven't gotten here yet, but considering that communication is a big aspect of polyamory, I imagine if one partner doesn't like the other then we talk about it.

How would it work if things progressed further than just dating?
We haven't gotten this far yet, either. I would like to imagine we would all live close to one another or all live in one big happy house. Some poly folk get unofficially married to their other partners.

How much detail do you share with your partners about the other(s)?
I don't share intimate details, but considering that both of my partners are a big part of my life, I do talk to one about the other quite a bit. Talking to them about the others has helped a ton in many different areas of both relationships. How? Usually having a different point of view on the situation can help you to find other ways to solve issues. When I get upset with one of my guys and I'm too upset to talk to him about it, I will usually talk to the other and they give me a different point of view and educate me on 'guy things.'

If your 'second' partner wanted to have a baby, would you? How would the discussion for that go with the entire group? How would your group handle an 'accident?' How does guardianship work with that?
I'm not sure. I would like to be in a relationship where if he wanted more kids then I would be comfortable having children with him and integrating everything into one big family.

What if one party suddenly decides this isn't the life for them?
I have been here 3 times. It sucked because I spent so much time with each partner, but it was for the best. I am polyamorous, and they were not. If my husband decided he wasn't polyamorous, we would talk about it. We have talked about it. He would go back to being monogamous and I would continue to date.

When do you introduce your child(ren) to the other party?
My children have not asked yet, but we will be open with them. I want my children to know that different people do different things. And as long as it is all legal and consensual, then it's okay and there is no reason to judge or bully. When my children come to me with questions I usually answer the question directly, openly, and honestly.

How do you progress things to the 'next level' when polygamy is not an option in your current location?
I have read that some people are pushing for polygamy to be legal in the USA, but even if it were not, there are ceremonies that one can take to be 'ceremoniously' tied to another partner. They would not receive the legal benefits from marriage, but there would be the sentimental value to the memory.

Thank you for reading! What curiosities do YOU have about polyamory? Comment with your question below and it may be added to the next survey! If you are polyamorous and would like to participate in an interview, feel free to contact me via the contact page

2 comments:

  1. I would be interested in polyamory..how many partners can u have...I wo

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    Replies
    1. I only have two partners at a time, because that is all that I have time for. It depends on your life and your needs.

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