Monday, February 20, 2017

Trigger Warning: Mentally Ill, Self-Harm, and Suicide

Trigger Warning: this post talks about self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and mental illnesses.

I'm not sure if I have shared with you guys about my mental disorders. I have general anxiety and clinical depression. Most days I am fine. I write, blog, read, watch TV, and play Minecraft. Other days, like this past Friday I go to a dark place. It's scary there. 

I have been off my medicine since around mid-December. It was an informed decision and I weaned myself off of it. Since then I have had more bad days than I care to admit, but I hate who I am when I'm on drugs.

Back to Friday. I felt my skin crawling, I had some horrible, horrible thoughts, and I genuinely wanted to end it all. The only thing that kept me grounded was the thoughts of how it would affect my husband. How long it would take him to recover. 

See, when we got married back in 2010, I promised that I would stop self-harming. Friday I went crazy on my arm. I won't go into details, but as soon as those first little droplets of blood surfaced, it sent me into a frenzy, I was so scared that the only thing grounding me, the only person that I felt truly cared, would hate me for breaking my promise. 

He didn't and doesn't. He came home from work. Cleaned my wounds. And helped me research ways to naturally handle my mental illness. Currently, I am trying CBD oil and it is working wonders! I haven't been this balanced in the longest time. 

Below, I am going to share with you guys something I wrote on a bad day. I find it poetically tragically terrifying, but beautiful. It does talk about death and self-harm, so if you are triggered by those things, please don't read any further. This is a look into my mind on a bad day:

Today I feel suicidal. The detailed daydreams scare me. 
I want to jump off of a bridge over a busy intersection. Maybe the one up by my husbands work as the factory workers get out. I want to know if people would swerve. Would they care? Would it stop the traffic for a couple of minutes? Would someone curse over the inconvenience I have created? Would a kind soul see the incident and cry for me as I do for others when I see car accidents? Would the driver who hit me or saw me have to take therapy because of it or would it not matter to them? How exhilarating would those couple of moments before impact would be?
Would I feel freedom during those couple of seconds between bridge and road? Would I instantly regret it? Might I finally feel peace? Would my life flash before my eyes? How would the wind feel as I fell? Would it be warm like the temperature or would it be an embracing cold? How is the afterlife? Would I go to hell? Would I be forgiven and let into Heaven because I am defected? A manufacturer’s error. Ha! I would prefer reincarnation, so that I may try again. I would prefer to have a chance in a mind that isn’t so fucked up. How terrible would it be if we were reincarnated but kept our mental disorders? If none of it is true, would they cremate me due to the damage or would I spend my afterlife disfigured in a box beneath the earth?
Of course, none of my thoughts can even go near the mental box of how it would affect those who know me. My friends and family. The ripple effect it would have. I just assume life would be better without my bad habits and mood swings. How the house would probably stay cleaner, how the kids would probably listen to their new mommy. The one who doesn’t spend so much money and enjoys all the things that I don’t, but PolyHubby does. The one who would console my parents, the one who would replace me. Be my best friend's new friend- the one who listens to them without feeling the awkward need to inject comic relief. The one who fills the place in this world I have left empty. The one who doesn’t have to be on pills that if forgotten she goes crazy. The one who would make everyone forget about me and how fucked up I have made their lives. The one who shows my friends and family who I wanted to be, but couldn’t.
Sometimes I just want to be seriously injured and not completely replaced. At least then I'd get a temporary break from everything that is so heavy. It's all so heavy. My spending habits, the troubles I bring upon myself, the way others think of me, it’s all weighs down on my shoulders. It all crushes me. Sometimes, like today, it wins the battle. But I am constantly at war. 
Today this is my mind. It's pounding behind my eyes. Demented, self-harming thoughts leaking out of my ears. Darkness clawing its way out of my throat. Tomorrow, my hormones will be back to normal. But today... today I want to watch blood rise to the surface from a self-inflicted wound to fight down the darkness for one more day, to push away the self-hating thoughts, to just placate the thoughts of suicide...
I'm not sure why I want to share this, but here it is. Take away from it what you will. If you are someone who suffers from mental illnesses and has been to this dark place, please send me a message. I am here for you. I may not know you or your situation. But I have been there and I am here if you need someone to talk to.

XOXO,

C. Poly

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