Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Trust is Scary

Love and trust often go hand in hand. The more you love someone, the more you trust them. Of course, you can love someone without trusting them - but I find that to be complicated and nerve-wracking. I find that falling in love is a series of steps. Everyone has their own process for how they fall in love, but here is mine. It has roots in trust for the person. If the person I am talking to or dating breaks that trust I find myself lost and confused, unsure what to do - my process ruined. 

1. You find yourself attracted to someone; you want to tell them little things about yourself and get to know them better as well. 

2. You start actually crushing on them, you want to know them more, so you tell them more about yourself.

3. You are spending more time around this person and talking to them gives you butterflies. Learning new things about them gives you a high you can't find elsewhere. You tell them more about yourself, hoping this will encourage them to open up more about their lives. 

At this point, you have entrusted your crush with small details about yourself and your life. The name of your first pet, your favorite color, who your first kiss was, maybe some sexual secrets. Just little things, but not things you tell everyone who you talk to. In turn, they have told you little things about themselves. Their middle name, their dream job, how they feel about their coworker who never pulls her weight. 

4. You start "going steady." You are spending more time with your crush, the both of you know that you want to spend your weekends together on the couch and your weekdays sharing more secrets.

5. You start falling in love. Sharing more intimate details about yourself. Sexual kinks, your five-year plan, if you want to have kids or not. 

This is the step where I start getting nervous. I have trusted the wrong person enough to remember how badly it hurts, but I am a hopeless romantic, and I will never give up on love. I may fall a little slower or step a little more softly next time, but I will not give up. 

When I start falling in love, when I am in love, when I am happy in a relationship, I am plagued with "what if's" and "whys." This may be because of my depression and anxiety. The more I trust a person, the more I love them, the more power they hold over my happiness. They may not realize it, but it is there, and it is scary. 

When I tell a partner "You scare me," I'm not referring to violence or abuse. I'm not physically afraid of them, and they probably haven't even done anything to deserve my fear. But at that moment I am completely aware of how much they could hurt me if they chose. That they could make an off hand comment and totally crush me, without even meaning to. 

When I tell a partner "You scare me," I am telling them how much I trust them, how much I love them, how much power they hold in our relationship. And that is what scares me. I'm not afraid of my partner, and my intentions aren't to hurt them by telling them this. I am merely overthinking about how much I care for them, and it is scary how much trust I have put into them, another person, someone who has no obligation to stay with me or love me back but does. Love is beautiful and scary and confusing. 

What weird emotion do you experience that you have noticed in your relationship(s)?

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