Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Girl Crushes and Repressed Bisexuality

My whole life I have found myself attracted to women but afraid to approach them. PolyHubby has joked for years that I'm not bisexual (now pansexual). While his jokes seem harsh and were upsetting at times, I have never acted on my attraction to women, I've never had a girlfriend, and I've only had a handful of modest sexual experiences with people of the same sex as myself. Even more, I've never had the desire to touch another woman's vagina - until now.

The truth is, I'm intimidated by women. I find myself torn between admiring a woman's beauty, intellect, and passion and being jealous over how well she does her makeup, how much prettier she is than I am, or other silly things. It's strange to be stuck between awe and envy.

This odd limbo I find myself in, my inability to flirt with women, and the constant jokes that I'm "not actually attracted to women" have all held me back from exploring this interest. As I said before, I have only had a handful of sexual encounters, and they were fleeting and mild.

I still think of making out with A during a threesome with her, PolyHubby, and I. How soft her lips were, how surprised I was when she bent down to flick her tongue between my labia as PolyHubby thrust beneath me. While I only went as far as sucking on her soft breasts, I regret not going further.

While masturbating, I find my thoughts drifting to the only time I have ever fingered another woman, S. We were in the back seat of her husband's car, coming back from Tennessee. I had hyped up other women's vaginas to be slimy and unappealing. I was shocked to find it full feeling, slick, and soft. I was even more astonished to find how easy it was to make her moan, and more so to discover how easy it was for her to make me moan!

It's not even that I want to have more sexual experiences with women. I miss the friendship I had with A, the intimacy I found in the backseat with S. For some reason it was different with them. Maybe it was the excitement of something new. Or maybe it was the release of letting go and letting myself feel attraction towards women without questioning it, without holding back, without feeling intimidated.

As I get older, I find myself wanting to try new things, or rather act on old, repressed parts of myself. But thanks to years of "jokes," repressing how I feel, and being intimidated by even the thought of flirting with women, I'm incredibly hesitant to act on my attractions. That doesn't stop me from listening to songs like Sleepover and Pretty Girl on repeat or daydreaming about my girl crush.

I came across a thread in a private Facebook group a couple of months ago that inspired this post. Another member confessed to being attracted to women, but hesitant to act on her desires. She said that she enjoys going down on guys she is with, but didn't feel like she was really bisexual because she didn't want to go down on women, just be with them. Have the intimacy without the oral. She was under the impression that culliningus was the only form of sexual intimacy two women can share.

I, too, am attracted to women, but not in the same way I am attracted to men. Yes, it is a sexual attraction, yes I find myself yearning to get to know another woman on the same level I know PolyHubby or boyfriend.  I want to know her favorite color, her favorite food, and even more intimate details. But I don't find myself daydreaming about steamy rendezvous with my lady crushes as much as I do my guys. My point is, just because you aren't attracted to one sex in the exact same way you are the other, doesn't diminish your sexuality. It doesn't mean you aren't "bisexual."

What are some desires that you have never acted on, but are dying to experience?

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